I had almost abandoned this blog. It was lost somewhere in this enormously giant World Wide Web and in the frizzled and puzzled memories of mine. What prompted me back to exhume it was the urge to give vent to the psychobabble in my head. I do not know if I will make the world a better place by doing so. Neither do I expect it to make an enormous sense to someone. It is just that I am availing my prerogative to add to this ever increasing clutter on the internet. This An “e-waste” in the dust-bin of internet. However, I am committed to do my best to keep it non-polluting and 100% recyclable. May be I am helping the universe by increasing its entropy… just a little.
Coming back to writing
Posted: 22nd March 2012 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedDiving into the sea of Memories
Posted: 13th February 2011 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedDo you ever feel deeply touched by little things. So touched that the next thing you know is that you start thinking. However, It does happen with me. Sometimes little things just touch my soul. Little things like a piece of music, a picture, a scene in a movie, a piece of writing, things like these, you know. Then, I shut myself off to the surroundings and I look back to all those moments in my life which are etched into my memories.
I take a deep dive into the sea of memories. As deep as I can and up to where the flash light of my memory fades. I open those chests lying there deep at the bottom of the pond. These contain memories of not-so near past. Memories of different shades, colors, and fragrances… I relive those moments in my mind.
I relive those moments when I was engulfed by a torrent of complex emotions, or when I was deeply moved by something else, or when I felt a certain emotion for the first time in my life, or experienced something for the very first time. I think of the moment when I was highly ecstatic and optimistic and thought I could do anything in life, and of the moment when I was deeply depressed and wished I could start everything all over again. I remember the moment when I won, and when I lost. I relive the moment when I was loved unconditionally, or when I felt bereft, when I acted greedily, when I sinned, when I was full of lust, when I full of noble intentions, when I believed God existed, when I became an Atheist, or when I did an act of kindness, when someone was kind to me, this goes on for a while.
I see face that have changed and which I wish hadn’t changed. I remember people who are no more but who I really wish were. I see people who I have lost touch absolutely and wonder where they are, what they would be doing, how they have fared so far. People I met ages ago and wish could see them again. People who I wish I hadn’t met. People who I have gone far away from my world who I wish had stayed forever. People I have not forgotten and wonder if they too remembered me. People I secretly loved but never told them I did. People I secretly hated and never expressed it to them. People I did not know but still remembered for insignificant associations. I wonder if there were people I knew but do not remember they ever existed. I think of all of those. They all had made an impact deep enough to have live so long in my memories.. for good or for bad.
I remember hearing words I wish echoed forever and, also, the words I wish I hadn’t heard. I remember saying things I wish I hadn’t said. I remember holding back words I wish I had said. I remember it all…
All these things, in one way or other, sum up to what and where I am today. All these tiny little things… Then, I realize, this is what a person is really made of; Memories. Memories of people, places, things, moments which evoke certain emotions, and moments etched on one’s heart. I, then, somewhat understand why Descartes must have said, “Cogito Ergo Sum”.
Bienvenido Año 2009
Posted: 5th January 2009 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedTags: 2009, Beautiful, Coffee, Happy New Year, Hill, hinjewadi, Maggie, morning, new year, pune, rangoli, scmhrd, sunrise, trek
• 7 sachets of Coffee
• A pack of Maggie
• One small packet of dairy whitener
• A pot (eventually borrowed from the college cafeteria)
• A bunch of old newspapers
• Some dry woods
• Matchbox
• Sugar
• 4 glasses
• Paper plates
• Three bottles of water
Other items will include: My camera, a borrowed tripod, a spare battery, a macro lens, warm clothes, and a skull cap.
I ensured that everything was in place before I went to bed. The most important item was the heating pot. Fortunately, I could convince college canteen people into lending me it for a night. Everything was in place except for a torch. I tried hard but could not arrange for it. But luckily, in the morning I came to know Rohit had got one arranged from Nidhi who would also joined us in the trek.
I had set alarm for 4:30 in the morning. It had gotten late before I could sleep in the night. I remember I spent around an hours tossing and turning on my bed. Had it not been for Rohit’s call, I would have never woken up since I don’t remember when I switched the alarm off and went back to slumber. Thankfully, I woke up and got ready. I woke Dev up. He started giving crap excuses to avoid waking up. But, at last, I could get him up and ready. We all got down by 5:25 and were good to go.
It was still pitch dark and comfortably cold outside. As we moved farther from the main gate of the campus the lights got dimmer and it started to get even darker and more difficult to see. There the torch came handy. But as we entered the village in dark, the dogs got suspicious and started barking up like anything. I wish I could speak Dog. I would said, “Happy New Year, You filthy Doggie!” I had picked up a piece of rock for any contingency. Fortunately, it did not come to any use.
After some time we passed by a small hut. The owner was busy firing a kiln outside. We inquired about the way to the hills. We also picked up a bunch of dry woods from his stock with his permission.
After walking a mile we could see a faint silhouette of the hills in very dimly lit sky. This confirmed that we were headed in the right direction. Before we could reach to the bottom of the hills the sky had already started to set on dawn. A deep dark mix of maroon and black was spilled over the horizon.
The trek to the top was not all that easy. The small gravels made it a little difficult. But it was manageable. We all set relax facing east after reaching the top.
I also tried my newly acquired Raynox Super Macro Lens over some small flowers there. The results were very encouraging. It was sheer fun.
The Blue Cocktail
Posted: 20th December 2008 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedThese passing days have a strange aroma of déjà vu. Perhaps this feeling has roots in the old time of engineering college placements. Apart from apprehensive nervousness that placement season has imparted to the air here, I have a cocktail of emotions. The cocktail contains optimism about life in general, pessimistic mist of economic gloom, a muffled excitement for what mother life is going to fish out next, a frustrating worry of expanding waistline, a painful yenning to jam with my band, a desperation to go out and shoot a trillion pictures like a maniac, a gradually budding desire of a comforting sense of belonging.
There are many I see who are buckling under the subzero feelings of uncertainty about the future. I refuse to follow the suit. I will be lying if I say that I am apathetic about the whole scene. It does create a concern in my heart but I see no reason to wear a black hat. I am no way in the state of denial. I am practical enough to see the situation in totality and fathom the risks and uncertainties. May be, my way of dealing with is different.
I don’t believe in ‘Luck’. I think this is a laymen term for what I believe is ‘Probability’. Arrogant if it may sound, so it is. One can Google this word and have close to 156,000,000 mentions over the World Wide Web. Taking into account the possibility of a webpage having multiple mention of 5 times on an average, one still has 312,00,000 times allusion of the word Luck.
The course of events in ones life is determined by the choices one makes. What we think of as “Certainty” are the events which have high enough probability of occurrence that, for all practical purposes, one can safely assume to be true. For instance, the probability of the building I am sitting in getting hit by an meteorite and rumbled into ashes is so low that I am sure (almost) that I will be able to finish this piece of crap I am writing. This is no great revelation to those acquainted with statistics. But to someone who has never paused to look at things this way, this argument may appear impressive and pregnant. If you try a little bit you can get much better and flowery descriptions of the same argument.
If you are one of those who haven’t thought about ever this way, take a pause and look back to your life and think deeply. I am sure you will discover that what you are right at this moment is the sum-aggregate of the collective results of all the choices you have made. And the trend will continue till you kick the bucket.
Have you ever wondered about What-ifs in your life? Have you ever sat, on a dull evening, having nothing of much importance to do, thinking about the turning points in your life? Have you ever thought what would have been if you had chosen the other option? How different the course of your life would have been if you had not done something that you did? What if that would have happened or would not have happened? What if I would have said what I should have? What if I should have done that? What if that someone was still around? I mean about all the possible probabilities of forgone choices or routes. I think everybody does, at some point of time or other. To me, it is a one of the constant source of engagements with myself, in addition to music and photography.
What is the connection between the prelude and this argument about Luck being a wishful-thinking? Why would someone do that? Well, if you carefully think you will have a revelation about your own self. You will see twinkling indications of what you actually are, scattered amidst all those reminiscent memories. Not that you will end up with a Eureka feeling. But it will surely give you deep insights about what you really want(ed) from your life. Those shimmering little indications will give you the locus of your life that you have traversed. There are certain things that are out of one’s control because their occurrence is incumbent upon the choices that others in the environment make. But rest of the other things, yes!
A passion discovered
Posted: 8th July 2008 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedI bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ50) in June this year. Just after that I went on for a trek to Manali with one of my friend who is a very good photographer. Since then I have been learning to learn photography. I keep clicking like a maniac. But that has yielded some positive results. Now, I do get a couple of compliment on my photos. And the most agonizing is “Dude,Nice Camera you must have got!”. Well, that’s all right. I know I am just a dabbler. And right now whatever is there in pics is good deal contributed by my beloved camera. Neverthless, it does encourage me to click better photographs.
Some times my own ineptitude and knack for seeing things wonderfully as real pros do frustrate. Perhaps, I am too impatient a person. I think I actually am. But I find it good. This makes me learn things fast and do them right in least number of tries.
There is another thing that is most frustrating these days. My son-of-a-gun laptop. USB ports and not functional and so are speakers. USB ports are stopping me from transferring pictures from my camera and process them with good photo-edit software. Man, I hate this feeling. Poor Lappy’s mother board got screwed, I am told. And getting it repaired will cost me a bomb (43 grand! Dude) I am being suggested by tech-savvy folks here that I should buy a new one. And the suggestion is obvious. I want to buy one but I can be a lazy person at times.
These days I have been checking many sites giving info on Digital Photography. Amazing works! God-like photographers are there! And it is a humbling feeling. All the pictures evoke a fantasy in my heart. A dream, a passion. I feel the best that could happen to me now is that I devote all my time to photography and Guitar. Become a free lance photographer. A nomadic life. With little or no “foisted” responsibilities. Traveling around the world. Clicking pictures. Freezing moments, capturing emotions. Working for myself. Enjoying every split seconds of my work… and when the reality strikes back… I wake up with heart full of mixed emotions.
You can chech out my flickr photostream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/thesaurus_of_time/
Rain of Solitude
Posted: 14th September 2007 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in Uncategorized
It was raining outside. I could hear the soft music of raindrops falling on lush green tree leaves. My nostrils are eager to savor the nostalgic scent of moist soil mixed with aroma of dead leaves. But it was all concreted around the block. Classroom was almost empty with a handful having forty winks. I slid open the large window to see the rustic scenery around college campus. It was heavenly beautiful far at the horizon. It seems as if the clouds are courting romantically with lush rocky hills. This confluence of beatific scenic and my silent solitude caused a river of thoughts flow through my mind. I stood there with my hands in pockets and eyes gazing at the infinity, breathing the purity of the scene… savoring it calmly… appreciating the beauty that the God has bestowed upon us…gradually losing the sense of material world that existed around me. Gusts of smooth moist wind fiddled with my hair. It felt smooth like silk as it gently rubbed against my neck. I closed my eyes slowly to absorb the moment. The darkness of closed eyes seemed relaxing to my tired eyes. In a couple of moments it engulfed me. I became weightless and started flying with the wind. My breaths grew deeper and calmer. I twisted and turned with the flow of wind. Gusts of wind took me higher and higher. Suddenly I felt as if a great magnet was pulling me with a strange force. I started moving faster and faster towards infinite sky…facing the silky wind… Slowly my skin started melting down. It did not hurt but felt soothing. In the next moment the darkness behind eyes was replaced by a tranquilizing divine light. I felt intoxicated. I tried opening my eyes but they were became heavy I couldn’t keep them open. In the next moment I slowly started to disintegrate into tiny atoms. Like a sieve the wind passed through me… cleaning away all the rotten, festering, dirty part of me. I felt so pure and humble. And then there was nothing left except a globe of soothingly pure while light which gradually mingled with a grand mass with a glory of trillion suns. I heard a thud and with great effort opened my eyes. It was one of my classmates who had dropped his notebook. There was a strange smile on my lips. Feeling extremely light and blissful I went back to my seat. As I touched corner of my eye there was a cold drop of tear waiting to drop down.
What the Eff !
Posted: 6th December 2006 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedHowrah as cops turned a deaf ear to the wails and continued to grill the hapless mother…The mother was picked up the previous evening for bearing a child out of wedlock… The baby needed to be nursed. As the temperature dipped, she shivered violently. There were no warm clothes. We promised to return in the morning but the police just wouldn’t listen. Sometime close to dawn, the baby slipped into a deep sleep. It was only later that we realized it was death “
[30 Nov, 2006 2322hrs IST
TIMES NEWS NETWORK]” Kudos! Hats off to the Police Department of the Republic of India! The Police officer has done a Nobel act of freeing a soul from the bondage of human body. That is, indeed, an extraordinary service to the mankind and the world. Anyway, the child would have been just another head in the crowd of over 1 billion people. I think, the police officer should be rewarded heavily. We need more such people in the department. He must be an incarnation of God, a divine soul, incarnated to keep souls away from being born again in this county with dilapidated judicial system that mocks the old adage “Justice delayed is Justice denied”. I strongly advocate that there should be a street in Hawrah named after him. What about a statue at the entrance of railway station?
Indian economy is on rush. We can feel it in the air as they have all rights to fantasize because there is no premium on fantasizing. MNCs are thriving and negotiating with big plans for investment. Indian companies are on a run to acquire foreign companies. This means more business. More business equals to more money. More money turns in to more power and an even bigger empire. Palatial houses! More expensive cloths, latest cars! Jewelry! More Power! More! More! MORE! Wow! And then? Then what? What about the other kids like the one died in police station? What about thousands of those living in destitute? What about all those hungry human-animals? What about the villages and villagers? Oh! Crap! Police is on job, right! They will take care of them and, moreover, government is the one taking care. It’s their job.
Where do these Human Right Activists (Hypocrite Bastards!!) disappear when something happens to ordinary people? They will shout their lungs out when the court has sentenced a terrorist, like Afzal, to death penalty. Where are those Shiv-Seinikas and RSS mercenaries (hypocrite bastards!!) who make a big deal out of Valentine’s day, Short skirts, western culture, item songs, movies, temples-mosques, swadesi-videshi, religion and what not? If at all they spend one tenth of their money and muscles in teaching lesson to these rascal’s (corrupt politicians, lecherous police officers) we will be far better off. I hope one day when the world would come to an end people will realize we could have lived much better had we wasted our precious time and energy in giving and receiving love from others, appreciating nature and conserving all we are bestowed with. But, Alas! Then it would be too late, wouldn’t it?
The most powerful lines I have ever read…
Posted: 11th June 2006 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in Uncategorizedसरफरोशी की तमन्ना अब हमारे दिल में है,
देखना है जोर कितना बाजुए कातिल में है ।
करता नहीं क्यों दुसरा कुछ बातचीत,
देखता हूँ मैं जीसे वो चुप तेरी महफिल मैं है ।
रहबर राहे मौहब्बत रह न जाना राह में
लज्जत-ऐ-सेहरा नवर्दी दूरिये-मंजिल में है ।
यों खड़ा मौकतल में कातिल कह रहा है बार-बार
क्या तमन्ना-ए-शहादत भी किसी के दिल में है ।
ऐ शहीदे-मुल्को-मिल्लत मैं तेरे ऊपर निसार
अब तेरी हिम्मत का चर्चा ग़ैर की महफिल में है ।
वक्त आने दे बता देंगे तुझे ऐ आसमां,
हम अभी से क्या बतायें क्या हमारे दिल में है ।
खींच कर लाई है सब को कत्ल होने की उम्मींद,
आशिकों का जमघट आज कूंचे-ऐ-कातिल में है ।
सरफरोशी की तमन्ना अब हमारे दिल में है,
देखना है जोर कितना बाजुए कातिल में है ।
Symphony
Posted: 27th April 2006 by gauravsgupta@gmail.com in UncategorizedMy breaths are trickling like the callous grains of sand in an hour clock…Quietly, constantly, unfazed. And the ups and down of life are like an undiscovered musician’s erratic symphony…I am an accompanist like thousands others sitting around me. I am not able to read the music sheet and find it hard play with the group. I am inexperienced. My hands shiver and I am overwhelmed by this. This frustrates and irritates me. I have been playing my own compositions till today. Now, when faced with reality, I am inapt and confused. There are the notes I never thought ever exist. But the musician seems to be the BEST so I have to believe that this is music too. And I have to play them to prove myself competent. I look around to find thousands like me. Only some olds have been able to play. And they are so absorbed in playing along the sheet music as if savoring it like ambrosia. They must have gone through the phase I am going through. They seem to have learnt it by a lot of practice and experience. They have learnt to play the music this mysterious musician has composed. They are the ones who have a little sand left in their clock.
















